A Moment In Time

May 22nd, 4:35 pm.

The world seemed to stop for me for a moment. First I was happily laughing off at my own stupidity for forgetting to check the exam schedules in my own docket, and the next I got a phone call that made the docket seemed so far away. In an instant I was torn.

I wanted to go home, but I had exams and exams was way more important. I called up my cousin who was in KL and we both asked each other the same question "did you hear the news?". I could hear the torrent of activity going on behind her as her sister and husband scrambled for tickets for the earliest flight possible. At their urgency, I made up my mind. I wanted to go home. I had to go home.

Luckily, not only was I the only one able to get a flight home the same night, but I even secured a return ticket on Sunday night, just before a paper on Monday afternoon. Three days were plenty of time to study for a paper. Logic prevails even in the most stressful situations. A trait, I believed, I must have inherited from her.

By the time I got to her house late that night, the guests were already preparing to leave and she was washed and bundled, ready for burial. It was painful having to see her finally answering her call but it was reassuring to know that she had passed swiftly and without hassle. Yes, she was prepared. Fiercely independent, she did not want to be a nuisance even in death. I even declared later the next day I should strive to be like her.

She looked peaceful, as if she was just in her usual afternoon naps and didn't want to be disturbed. I didn't know what to say then. Usually I'd go "how are you?" If I did that she would have figuratively rolled her eyes and said "how do you think I am?". The thought of saying farewell didn't occur to me then. Saying 'I am back' was stupid too. It wasn't like she was waiting for me.

So I did what any good Muslim is expected to do. I sat by her coffin and recited the Yasin for her. I took a long hard look at the coffin, now covered with a long piece of clothe embroided in Quranic verses. I had seen these 'blankets' three times before and all, those three times, seemed so close to each other. They were people that I wasn't personally close to, but they meant a lot to other people. As much as my grandma was to me.

It wasn't unexpected. In fact, when I took a video recording of her the night of my dad's birthday, I was already thinking if this would be the last footage of her alive? But I remained optimistic. I was even already imagining her meeting my future husband and if she disapproved of my choice I would dump him immediately no questions asked. If he was not good enough for my grandma he was not enough for me. Boyfriends you can find, but family is irreplacable.

During her burial the next day, I saw the toughest of our cousins broke down like a baby. She will be deeply missed, no doubt about it.

But I was still feeling pretty anal. I had wanted to come back quickly before she was wrapped up so I could at least kiss her hand as my last respect. But when I did come back I couldn't even bring myself to touch her. It didn't feel too good leaning over a coffin is it?

They say the soul of the newly deceased stays on earth for the first 100 days of their death. The first 7 days they will be at home, quietly observing the going ons so it was common to catch glimpses of them sometimes. This is what Muslim believes. And they say if you dream about them during the same time, given that they do not utter a word, as the dead cannot speak, then yes, it is the same person. If you dream and the newly deceased spoke to you, then it is just a dream.

I had a dream that Sunday, when I'm supposed to leave for KL later that day. It was one of my weird dreams, and one of those strange situations where you know this is all just a dream. It was a wedding of a relative and I saw her. She smiled and offered her hand to me. I kissed and hugged her, finally able to say the word I couldn't say before. I finally bid her goodbye and woke up crying.

My uncle once said that when the deceased visits you in your sleep it means they want you to offer a prayer for them. A prayer is food for their spirit. Just one prayer can keep them satisfied for a long time. So imagine if you give them a lot of prayers. From then on I decided to pray for her everyday. And during those days I can't, I will tell someone else to do it. I will not let my grandma be deprived.

After the fourth day however, I can't seem to get too sad anymore. It was as if that pool of emotion that seemed to overflow at the very thought of her had dried up. This whole experience had left me feeling dazed for days. The only thing keeping me sane was the thought of my impending exams. I am reminded of her everytime exam comes, because I visit her every night before leaving to KL for the new semester. She would slip me some pocket money and reminded me to study hard. It was always the same advise and reminder each time. It would mean a lot to her if I succeed in my studies and I felt guilty whenever I turned up only above average grades. The grades didn't matter to me but it was the only proof I got to show that I was serious about my studies.

Not that she checked my results, but my dad would be relieved to know I was doing well and that would give her peace of mind too.

So I forgone the mass sleepover at her house in order to prepare for my exams. It was the logical and practical thing to do and she would have approved. I can just imagine her spirit scolding me for slacking in my studies if I stayed there xD.

For now all I could do is offer her my prayers and gaze longingly at my 'Precious Granny Funds' that I still had that she had wrapped in tissue paper, in a white envelope. There won't be anymore of these so I can only treasure what I have left.

For now. -Alfatihah.