Not Unreasonable

*WARNING: Flaming ahead*
I am not unreasonable. I never thought of asking unreasonable things. When I ask for something unreasonable, I know it's unreasonable. When I ask things that seemed unreasonable, it is only unreasonable on the surface. Below the surface there's always some thing: I did something in the past that went unsaid and unrewarded, which, although was sincere on my part, when done by someone else, they received a reward. I would never revoke them when I ask for said 'unreasonable' thing, and I will willingly do them again in the future, but that doesn't change the fact that it's not an unreasaonable thing to ask for, so is a little consideration too much to ask for?!

I also think it's not unreasonable to set some reasonable expectations of someone you think you know quite well. For instance, you know someone well enough that they would not lie, cheat or steal for money, so it is perfectly reasonable to not expect them to do so. You can argue that people are willing to do extreme things when pushed to desperation, but we are of course not talking about any extreme things.

So when people do shatter your expectations by stooping lower than your perceived moral values of theirs, you have the right to be disappointed. Even more so when you put a low expectation of them and yet they still break even that. In your mind you still want to think positively about such persons but it's hard when they keep smearing their own reputation to you. So it's not your fault when you decide to keep your distance because you feel like you don't know this person anymore thus protecting yourself from getting hurt further.

I believe it is a very reasonable thing to do.

I sometimes wonder if it's just me or is it really them. Was I too nice? Too naive? Then again, what's wrong with that? What's wrong in believing only the good in people? Sure, everyone thinks your friend is a slut, but though you agree your friend is not the most pious person around, she's not a slut like everyone thinks. And then your friend went and do things behind your back that while seemingly harmless, enforces the perception by other people that she's a slut. Yet you kept firm to your own belief, while other people sigh and roll their eyes at you saying "oh you poor deceived friend". So does that make you ignorant? Just plain naive? You have been deceived by your 'friend', and the only one who doesn't know it is you. Is it wrong to believe in someone towards the end that they will eventually come through? Is it too much to ask that they won't shatter your expectations anymore? Has your friendship only meant everything when you are there, but nothing when you are not there? If so, then is it a friendship worth having?

Is it?

I think I'm about done looking for faults with myself. I have never mentioned this before to anyone through anywhere, but whenever I find myself angry or upset and someone or something, the first thing I look at is myself first and foremost; is it my fault? what have I done wrong? Why did I do that? Was it reasonable for me to be upset/angry?

Only after I answer these questions would I start directing my anger towards that someone/something. When such things happened in an important relationship of mine, I looked even deeper, digging in so deep that when I find that though I may be a bit selfish, I have the right to be that much selfish, and, looking at our relationship, I deserve a bit more consideration than I was given. Sometimes looking too deep blinded me to the fact that it really wasn't my fault, that was why I couldn't find any. Someone had trampled upon my rights and I just let them. Perhaps just letting that happened was a fault of mine too.

And so now what? I'm upset and angry, and nobody is taking responsibility. Nobody cared. Is it because it was unreasonable? No. It's never been about whether I was being unreasonable or not. It never was. There's only been one thing: nobody cares. Sad, but true. Nobody cares. And why should they, really? Why should they? Why should they care if you can't control your own emotion and got angry? It's your own fucking problem. And so since it is my fucking problem, I shall deal with it my way. I choose to deal with it by staying away from you in the future, and talking coldly to you, and no longer caring what your fucking problem is. I, a self-proclaimed people hater, spent precious minutes bothering about your well-being while you don't fucking even care to send me one measly text other than to saying "it's been a while. I've been so busy with my boy toys and useless friends who kept asking me for favours (of course I help them coz I'm so nice) that I forgot to say hi to you, my only friend who never gives me any trouble and is also so nice to me that I decided to take you for granted and only talk to when you drive AAALL the way here to meet me. Oof course I would see you more often too if only I have a car. Until then I have my toyboys to keep me company. So, are you okay?" To this I reply sarcastically, to which she would say that I am so easily pissed off. Of course, when you send me such a stupid sms OF COURSE I'LL BE FUCKING PISSED! I FUCKING HATE stupid questions and assumptions that I am so easily pissed when THEY WERE THE ONES WHO PROVOKED ME FIRST!

...And that is why I say people are useless. Basing your emotions and happiness over someone else's fickle mind will always, without fail, makes you unhappy. And I am at my last straw. Up until today I had put my faith on people, but no more.

From now on I shall have no expectation of other people anymore. It's going to be a lonely path, but how much different is it from now anyway?

I believe it is quite reasonable to do so.

Ta'ra.