Holding Back

I realized recently that ever since I started work I've been holding back a lot. For instance;

1. I don't let it known that I'm Sarawakian unless asked.
2. I don't tell people I live in Bukit Bintang unless asked.
3. I eat the cheaper stuff on the menu because that's what everyone is having, even though half the time they make me sick.
4. I don't express my dislike towards a person who annoys me until they insulted something I like.
5. I don't let it known we have 8 cars, unless asked (when people are talking about cars).
6. I don't tell people what car I drive, unless asked or when I offer them a ride.
7. I don't talk about my plans for the near future because yes, Scandinavia is not a cheap region and Japanese lessons are not cheap.
8. I also don't tell people my biological make-up or the fact that I am taking a BA in Business Management and my plans to become a billionaire.

I dont, simply because it will invite prejudice. But I suppose it's not just the culture here in the peninsular that you are always judged race-first, everything else second. It's partly human nature as well. But then, despite me holding back and trying to remain anonymous - another face in the crowd - it's impossible. Certain traits of mine just won't stay concealed and made themselves a permanent accessory that I have to keep adjusting in whichever situation I'm in. I know the traits of being a leader is practically ingrained in me. I think I was born with it, and after some time I conciously sharpened it.

I am well-aware of the fact that I like to take charge and be in charge, and that I know when I'm wrong or right. When I took up this job I wanted to apply the same skills and traits into being a follower. I wanted to learn from other types of leadership skills and styles. I wanted to test myself; whether I was capable of being a good follower.

That said, I don't think my English being TOO GOOD is a handicap. Last Monday Big Sister pulled me aside after I had a bit of an outburst about adjusting the work attittude around our unit a little. She took it seriously, and started talking to every member of the unit and pulled me aside after that. We had a LOOONG talk. Personally I thought 80% of what she said was irrelevant. Because in the end I asked her what is it that she wanted me to do differently, because obviously I did nothing wrong. She said;

"Because your English is too good, the new people found you hard to approach, so please speak more tenderly and tone down your English a bit."

I nearly lost it when she said that. Seriously, the sentence above is self-explanatory isn't it?

I told her these two things in return; one, I will not dumb myself down and compromise my English for anybody's sake, regardless of who they are; and two, I will try to be nicer. It will be difficult because I don't know what that entails, but for the sake of your precious unit, I will try.

Up until that moment, I really was just playing with the idea of joining JBD, if my Japanese got good enough, but at that exact moment, when you're told your English is TOO GOOD to work in the ENGLISH book department, the thought of joining a foreign language book department was no longer an option. It's the alternative. The moment I told her I'm Sarawakian, and English being my second language, and Malay third, Japanese fourth, was the moment when I stopped caring about her prejudices (which was included in the 80% I mentioned earlier). I believe the fact that I'm Sarawakian is also very irrelevant to the conversation. And once I've resorted to pulling my 'I'm Sarawakian' card, meant I have surrendered to the stupidity of irrelevance and stopped caring completely.

JBD is my goal now. The staff are all Chinese, excluding the Japanese managers. I assume they speak Japanese well, but speaks Chinese to each other. When I join, my Japanese would be as bad as my Malay, and since English is not popular, there would be no issue of my English being TOO GOOD being a problem. Sighs.

I guess I should stop holding back too much. It's really quite suffocating.

Ta'ra.