May 22nd, 4:35 pm.
The world seemed to stop for me for a moment. First I was happily laughing off at my own stupidity for forgetting to check the exam schedules in my own docket, and the next I got a phone call that made the docket seemed so far away. In an instant I was torn.
I wanted to go home, but I had exams and exams was way more important. I called up my cousin who was in KL and we both asked each other the same question "did you hear the news?". I could hear the torrent of activity going on behind her as her sister and husband scrambled for tickets for the earliest flight possible. At their urgency, I made up my mind. I wanted to go home. I had to go home.
Luckily, not only was I the only one able to get a flight home the same night, but I even secured a return ticket on Sunday night, just before a paper on Monday afternoon. Three days were plenty of time to study for a paper. Logic prevails even in the most stressful situations. A trait, I believed, I must have inherited from her.
By the time I got to her house late that night, the guests were already preparing to leave and she was washed and bundled, ready for burial. It was painful having to see her finally answering her call but it was reassuring to know that she had passed swiftly and without hassle. Yes, she was prepared. Fiercely independent, she did not want to be a nuisance even in death. I even declared later the next day I should strive to be like her.
She looked peaceful, as if she was just in her usual afternoon naps and didn't want to be disturbed. I didn't know what to say then. Usually I'd go "how are you?" If I did that she would have figuratively rolled her eyes and said "how do you think I am?". The thought of saying farewell didn't occur to me then. Saying 'I am back' was stupid too. It wasn't like she was waiting for me.
So I did what any good Muslim is expected to do. I sat by her coffin and recited the Yasin for her. I took a long hard look at the coffin, now covered with a long piece of clothe embroided in Quranic verses. I had seen these 'blankets' three times before and all, those three times, seemed so close to each other. They were people that I wasn't personally close to, but they meant a lot to other people. As much as my grandma was to me.
It wasn't unexpected. In fact, when I took a video recording of her the night of my dad's birthday, I was already thinking if this would be the last footage of her alive? But I remained optimistic. I was even already imagining her meeting my future husband and if she disapproved of my choice I would dump him immediately no questions asked. If he was not good enough for my grandma he was not enough for me. Boyfriends you can find, but family is irreplacable.
During her burial the next day, I saw the toughest of our cousins broke down like a baby. She will be deeply missed, no doubt about it.
But I was still feeling pretty anal. I had wanted to come back quickly before she was wrapped up so I could at least kiss her hand as my last respect. But when I did come back I couldn't even bring myself to touch her. It didn't feel too good leaning over a coffin is it?
They say the soul of the newly deceased stays on earth for the first 100 days of their death. The first 7 days they will be at home, quietly observing the going ons so it was common to catch glimpses of them sometimes. This is what Muslim believes. And they say if you dream about them during the same time, given that they do not utter a word, as the dead cannot speak, then yes, it is the same person. If you dream and the newly deceased spoke to you, then it is just a dream.
I had a dream that Sunday, when I'm supposed to leave for KL later that day. It was one of my weird dreams, and one of those strange situations where you know this is all just a dream. It was a wedding of a relative and I saw her. She smiled and offered her hand to me. I kissed and hugged her, finally able to say the word I couldn't say before. I finally bid her goodbye and woke up crying.
My uncle once said that when the deceased visits you in your sleep it means they want you to offer a prayer for them. A prayer is food for their spirit. Just one prayer can keep them satisfied for a long time. So imagine if you give them a lot of prayers. From then on I decided to pray for her everyday. And during those days I can't, I will tell someone else to do it. I will not let my grandma be deprived.
After the fourth day however, I can't seem to get too sad anymore. It was as if that pool of emotion that seemed to overflow at the very thought of her had dried up. This whole experience had left me feeling dazed for days. The only thing keeping me sane was the thought of my impending exams. I am reminded of her everytime exam comes, because I visit her every night before leaving to KL for the new semester. She would slip me some pocket money and reminded me to study hard. It was always the same advise and reminder each time. It would mean a lot to her if I succeed in my studies and I felt guilty whenever I turned up only above average grades. The grades didn't matter to me but it was the only proof I got to show that I was serious about my studies.
Not that she checked my results, but my dad would be relieved to know I was doing well and that would give her peace of mind too.
So I forgone the mass sleepover at her house in order to prepare for my exams. It was the logical and practical thing to do and she would have approved. I can just imagine her spirit scolding me for slacking in my studies if I stayed there xD.
For now all I could do is offer her my prayers and gaze longingly at my 'Precious Granny Funds' that I still had that she had wrapped in tissue paper, in a white envelope. There won't be anymore of these so I can only treasure what I have left.
For now. -Alfatihah.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Obligations
I should be studying. But I have too much time. Too much time makes me want to procrastinate.
I visited my long-neglected Friendster account yesterday, just to see what's up. I've been contemplating taking it down for a long time now. But of course, something so popular couldn't just be ignored could it? After all, it's my biggest online social circle since I have only like, 3 people on Multiply. And please don't add me, so I don't have to reject you. My Multiply network is pretty private.
So anyway, with still so many active members on Friendster, I might as well just put up some new pictures for your amusement. So I put the rest of my birthday pictures up. Recent pictures make the page look fresh eh?
I exercised yesterday and nearly died from the effort. I am so unfit. Now I'm being bombarded full blast with soreness. Fun.
I need to clean house, but I'm procrastinating. I so wanna go shopping tomorrow. to TAR road you know. Very pasar minggu. But I need to update my wardrobe, in addition to other things. I don't wanna be so stuck in the past. For God's sake I'm 21. I should act my age. I am only 21 for a year. Next year I'll be 22. And the next 23 aaargh this is depressing. So yeah. I don't wanna be so stuck in the past.
Lately I noticed an increased number of books on my bed. It's normal to have the odd comics but last night I counted a total number of five books! Two comics, two non-fictions and one notebook. Of course, not counting the books on the dressing table which is not exactly a dressing table, but the top of a low wardrobe. This may not be weird under normal circumstances. But this isn't a normal circumstance because my bedroom and workstation are two separate entities here. At home my bedroom is everything; my sleeping chamber, my refuge, my library, my workstation and my play station. I sometimes even pull off cardio aerobics there. My workstation is out in the living room here where my desk and Kuja sit. Therefore having books in the bedroom meant I needed a bedtime read.
...Or I am in one of my insecure panic modes...
The latter is probably true, looking at the titles...
I like going to bed feeling that I've accomplished something, you know? Be it a new idea, another assurance, another money-making scheme or whatever it is related to the Internet and money. Mobility would be the new buzzword of my future. I don't know about you guys. But I don't like going further up the hierarchy only to have more work piled on me.
But the best of luck for you guys who do, though.
I have some stuff to do. Shower, write some birthday cards and maybe wrap a few presents. Finding boxes are hard. I want plain boxes so I can prettify them with wrapping paper you know. Despite my sucky wrapping skills, I like to wrap. I'm a Taurus. Stability and practicality are my embedded qualities in addition to enjoying to do things with my hands. It frees up space in my head to concentrate on other things.
Ta'ra!
I visited my long-neglected Friendster account yesterday, just to see what's up. I've been contemplating taking it down for a long time now. But of course, something so popular couldn't just be ignored could it? After all, it's my biggest online social circle since I have only like, 3 people on Multiply. And please don't add me, so I don't have to reject you. My Multiply network is pretty private.
So anyway, with still so many active members on Friendster, I might as well just put up some new pictures for your amusement. So I put the rest of my birthday pictures up. Recent pictures make the page look fresh eh?
I exercised yesterday and nearly died from the effort. I am so unfit. Now I'm being bombarded full blast with soreness. Fun.
I need to clean house, but I'm procrastinating. I so wanna go shopping tomorrow. to TAR road you know. Very pasar minggu. But I need to update my wardrobe, in addition to other things. I don't wanna be so stuck in the past. For God's sake I'm 21. I should act my age. I am only 21 for a year. Next year I'll be 22. And the next 23 aaargh this is depressing. So yeah. I don't wanna be so stuck in the past.
Lately I noticed an increased number of books on my bed. It's normal to have the odd comics but last night I counted a total number of five books! Two comics, two non-fictions and one notebook. Of course, not counting the books on the dressing table which is not exactly a dressing table, but the top of a low wardrobe. This may not be weird under normal circumstances. But this isn't a normal circumstance because my bedroom and workstation are two separate entities here. At home my bedroom is everything; my sleeping chamber, my refuge, my library, my workstation and my play station. I sometimes even pull off cardio aerobics there. My workstation is out in the living room here where my desk and Kuja sit. Therefore having books in the bedroom meant I needed a bedtime read.
...Or I am in one of my insecure panic modes...
The latter is probably true, looking at the titles...
I like going to bed feeling that I've accomplished something, you know? Be it a new idea, another assurance, another money-making scheme or whatever it is related to the Internet and money. Mobility would be the new buzzword of my future. I don't know about you guys. But I don't like going further up the hierarchy only to have more work piled on me.
But the best of luck for you guys who do, though.
I have some stuff to do. Shower, write some birthday cards and maybe wrap a few presents. Finding boxes are hard. I want plain boxes so I can prettify them with wrapping paper you know. Despite my sucky wrapping skills, I like to wrap. I'm a Taurus. Stability and practicality are my embedded qualities in addition to enjoying to do things with my hands. It frees up space in my head to concentrate on other things.
Ta'ra!
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Deprived, Yet Lives
Nah, deprived is the least of my current state. I just got back from a shopping spree at KLCC with my cousin. And she bought a lot of make up. And very persuasive at that. I fear for my wallet T-T.
Anyway, have you heard of the brand Benefit at Parkson? It's really good. Pricey, but good. Price is a good indicator of quality.
Daddyo admitted himself in hospital last Thursday due to some stomach pain (turned out to be high blood pressure again). I was woken up at 5:30 am to accompany him to the medical center in Bangsar, after just two hours of sleep and could only go back home at about 9 am. Sighs. Anyway, he checked out the next day and immediately took a flight home.
In the mean time, I slept over at my cousin's. Was pretty last minute too. I slept on the couch for two nights. But the couch was comfy and the boldster was longer than my lover. Very nice. I felt like a traitor but it's all for the sake of comfort.
I initially followed them home to claim my souvenir. They recently came back from the U.S. you see. My cousin's husband is a diplomat.
Anyway, last night was full of drama. Her friends suddenly dropped by and started bitching intensively about her ex. She talked non stop about her ex and how a hypocritical ugly bithc just stole him despite him not loving her. I was pretty much in the company of a bunch of psycho ex-girlfriends it was amusing. Turned out last night was her ex and his fiance's wedding. Details shall fall onto to the deserving ears hehehehe.
I am still in exam season, but my next papers are on the 26th, 27th and 30th so I have the whole of next week off. Of course, I have to study and make notes. But there's plenty of stuff for other things too. I recently bought a Let's Learn Hiragana workbook. I've been wanting to learn Japanese since forever. I am already en route to joining a Japanese course at a language center at KL Plaza (In August, hopefully). My goal is to take the Japanese Language Proficiency Test. I want to have a certificate to officially certify that I am proficient in Japanese you see. My goal, other than to speak is to read and write. Thus, the book. It doesn't hurt to get a head start isn't it?
I left my camera at my cousin's place so I cant upload pictures yet. Later, k?
I know this will bore you but I wanna talk a bit about my exam strategies. There are two sections. A and B. Section A is a case study and carries 40 marks. Section B is essay. Answer 3 out of 5 questions, carries 60 marks. Immediately, I went into damage reduction-profit maximization mode. I attacked the essay questions, picking out the ones I can answer fully. Then I made outlines, pouring out the content of my brains on the questions. Instantly I gained 60 marks. It usually takes more or less 45-50 minutes to do one essay question because they are that elaborate. So by the time I get to section A, I'm already in the last hour of the paper. Because section A requires reading, I do it last because it required thinking and connecting concepts. In both my papers I managed to answer 3 out of 5 questions in Section A, which means I always lose out on two questions. But that is okay.
Last semester I made the mistake of mulling over too long at Section A and not having enough time on Section B even though I know the answers. That was the mistake. You should answer what you could first. Save the hardest for last. The thing is, I wanted to answer all the questions, and I didn't want to have to go back to answer the hard question. So I spent the first two hours in Section A and ....got what I deserved.
Lesson learned.
I even prepared a notebook for all my notes, just like during SPM. I put all my notes into one book so I just have to read from that book. There's no point to study too much or too far from exams because our lecturers give precise tips. If you deviate away from the tips, you are just wasting time. 2-3 days are optimal for me. When other people say they are going away to study and you should too, they are just trying to pysche you up. Because, not that I want to brag, but I always did better than them, and I studied only like, 2 days. If not two hours. I really dont like studying. sighs.
Those people at the library for long hours are just wasting time. They just want to show off that they are studying hard. Just like during those long pointless hours of group discussions, those studies eventually go down the drain as well.
Losers. As if I will sink to your level! Same goes for the bastard doormat cangkul.
Well. I am satisfied. Tomorrow I shall spring clean! Ta'ra!
Anyway, have you heard of the brand Benefit at Parkson? It's really good. Pricey, but good. Price is a good indicator of quality.
Daddyo admitted himself in hospital last Thursday due to some stomach pain (turned out to be high blood pressure again). I was woken up at 5:30 am to accompany him to the medical center in Bangsar, after just two hours of sleep and could only go back home at about 9 am. Sighs. Anyway, he checked out the next day and immediately took a flight home.
In the mean time, I slept over at my cousin's. Was pretty last minute too. I slept on the couch for two nights. But the couch was comfy and the boldster was longer than my lover. Very nice. I felt like a traitor but it's all for the sake of comfort.
I initially followed them home to claim my souvenir. They recently came back from the U.S. you see. My cousin's husband is a diplomat.
Anyway, last night was full of drama. Her friends suddenly dropped by and started bitching intensively about her ex. She talked non stop about her ex and how a hypocritical ugly bithc just stole him despite him not loving her. I was pretty much in the company of a bunch of psycho ex-girlfriends it was amusing. Turned out last night was her ex and his fiance's wedding. Details shall fall onto to the deserving ears hehehehe.
I am still in exam season, but my next papers are on the 26th, 27th and 30th so I have the whole of next week off. Of course, I have to study and make notes. But there's plenty of stuff for other things too. I recently bought a Let's Learn Hiragana workbook. I've been wanting to learn Japanese since forever. I am already en route to joining a Japanese course at a language center at KL Plaza (In August, hopefully). My goal is to take the Japanese Language Proficiency Test. I want to have a certificate to officially certify that I am proficient in Japanese you see. My goal, other than to speak is to read and write. Thus, the book. It doesn't hurt to get a head start isn't it?
I left my camera at my cousin's place so I cant upload pictures yet. Later, k?
I know this will bore you but I wanna talk a bit about my exam strategies. There are two sections. A and B. Section A is a case study and carries 40 marks. Section B is essay. Answer 3 out of 5 questions, carries 60 marks. Immediately, I went into damage reduction-profit maximization mode. I attacked the essay questions, picking out the ones I can answer fully. Then I made outlines, pouring out the content of my brains on the questions. Instantly I gained 60 marks. It usually takes more or less 45-50 minutes to do one essay question because they are that elaborate. So by the time I get to section A, I'm already in the last hour of the paper. Because section A requires reading, I do it last because it required thinking and connecting concepts. In both my papers I managed to answer 3 out of 5 questions in Section A, which means I always lose out on two questions. But that is okay.
Last semester I made the mistake of mulling over too long at Section A and not having enough time on Section B even though I know the answers. That was the mistake. You should answer what you could first. Save the hardest for last. The thing is, I wanted to answer all the questions, and I didn't want to have to go back to answer the hard question. So I spent the first two hours in Section A and ....got what I deserved.
Lesson learned.
I even prepared a notebook for all my notes, just like during SPM. I put all my notes into one book so I just have to read from that book. There's no point to study too much or too far from exams because our lecturers give precise tips. If you deviate away from the tips, you are just wasting time. 2-3 days are optimal for me. When other people say they are going away to study and you should too, they are just trying to pysche you up. Because, not that I want to brag, but I always did better than them, and I studied only like, 2 days. If not two hours. I really dont like studying. sighs.
Those people at the library for long hours are just wasting time. They just want to show off that they are studying hard. Just like during those long pointless hours of group discussions, those studies eventually go down the drain as well.
Losers. As if I will sink to your level! Same goes for the bastard doormat cangkul.
Well. I am satisfied. Tomorrow I shall spring clean! Ta'ra!
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Ying Yang Imbalances
The moment the uephoria subsided, I was hit hard by impure forces making my yingyang go askew. And it has just recently went on the road to recovery T-T.
Mistress of the Leash and Whip of all Fucking Verbal Abuses (MotLaWoaFVA) gave good advice. Now my ying yang is recovering.
It's all the fault of finals and assignments purposely stacked on top of it. Grrr I hate procrastinating lecturers. I'm even thinking of chopping my hair. Normally when I chop I just get a new haircut, all the way above the shoulders. Then I would feel happy and satisfied for about two weeks and then went back to craving long hair. And then I start making weird goals like keeping my hair long till I graduate. sighs.
See? it's my yingyang. But I finished one essay today so my yingyang is 50% recovered. I am hungry andd needs to eat. But shwoer first. And I am seriously considering going for the chop. Long hair is so boring. It's different if you don't cover up. But when you do, the upkeep is annoying. And the amount of shampoo you use is amazing as well. I want to start using smaller amounts of shampoo T-T.
Ta'ra!
Mistress of the Leash and Whip of all Fucking Verbal Abuses (MotLaWoaFVA) gave good advice. Now my ying yang is recovering.
It's all the fault of finals and assignments purposely stacked on top of it. Grrr I hate procrastinating lecturers. I'm even thinking of chopping my hair. Normally when I chop I just get a new haircut, all the way above the shoulders. Then I would feel happy and satisfied for about two weeks and then went back to craving long hair. And then I start making weird goals like keeping my hair long till I graduate. sighs.
See? it's my yingyang. But I finished one essay today so my yingyang is 50% recovered. I am hungry andd needs to eat. But shwoer first. And I am seriously considering going for the chop. Long hair is so boring. It's different if you don't cover up. But when you do, the upkeep is annoying. And the amount of shampoo you use is amazing as well. I want to start using smaller amounts of shampoo T-T.
Ta'ra!
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