The other day I decided to try out solat sunat istikharah. I didnt do it before because everything was still within thinking and reasoning. Also, the relationship was not actually 'halal'.
I know from the get go that whatever 'signs' I get will not be in the form of dreams because otherwise I would be a dream psychic by now already. In other words, I dream about a lot of vivid things.
Before performing the solat I researched it a bit and found out the best way to see these 'signs' is from your own heart. Your instincts will change. It will guide you to the best decision. I find this more feasible, considering how my heart and brain are sometimes at war with each other regarding this matter.
I also learned that it cannot be performed just once. My friend told me her husband did it for one week straight. He even asked a friend to perform it for him too. My friend did it sparingly. But the key point is to do it more than once and consistently. I therefore decided to do it continuously until I feel no compulsion for it anymore. And so it began.
I did it for 4 nights straight. But I could feel my heart changing as I was getting ready to perform it the second night. I went ahead anyway because I wanted a CONFIRMATION not just a FEELING. As usual, I had some weird dreams the four nights I was performing istikharah and even one where I was out shopping with him. But I discounted it.
Until the fifth night.
As I was showering and thinking about doing it that night, I felt extremely lazy. My heart simply went "but I dont wanna...." on me. Even when I try to rationalize it with "but I havent gotten my CONFIRMATION. I havent gotten a CLEAR sign yet. Just do it again one more time. It wont hurt." My heart simply refused. To my heart, this matter is not important anymore. It did not want to be burdened by it anymore. Even my body was starting to protest to perform this prayer. I just felt lazy and annoyed thinking about doing it.
It was then that I realized; this is it. This was my answer. To someone like me, this is the perfect sign. It took me a while to realize it, but Allah knows me. Knows exactly how to get my answer across to me.
I thought about it for a while. What does it mean? He's not the one? Stop hoping completely? Stop hoping for now? then who is my supposed partner?
I measured the questions against the feeling in my heart and came up with one answer; it doesnt matter. At least for now, it doesnt matter. Think of something else instead.
It was as simple as that.
Funny isnt it? I consider myself lucky to even get an answer. Some people couldnt even get an answer when their dilemmas I consider more important than mine.
Now I'm thinking of performing solat sunat hajat for new year. Im going to follow the same formula. Do it consistently for a week. Why am I waiting until the new year to perform it? Because right now, I'm not sure what I want. I thought I was so sure but I'm not anymore. And when performing solat hajat you must be specific. Because Allah will grant you the wish in your heart that you didnt say. The wish that is even better than what you asked for.
The most important thing is to work hard for your goals, and then turn to Allah with an open and willing heart.
I hope I can find what I want for 2016.
And so do you too.