The Future That Wasnt

Hello blog. It's been such a long time since I posted anything. A full 2 years have passed since my last entry. Oh good times. Ever since I got a boyfriend I was afraid of accidentally sharing my thoughts that were mostly influenced by my relationship. I guess I just wanted to be private. Even after 2 years of relationship I still felt that a lot of my thoughts and actions were influenced by him. Not in a bad way of course. He never told me how to behave or to think. It's just, I always thought that one day I will show him the contents of my blog and I would be embarrassed and what if the relationship didnt work out? Then I would be too sad deleting all the posts here about him.

Therefore, should it be concluded that the lack of posts meant that I have been incredibly happy? I shall agree, for lack of evidence to the contrary. I grew up so much during the course of the relationship. I wouldnt have found out the flaws in my thinking and behavior in such a way if not for the relationship too. I was incredibly selfish before, which I think befits my age. But certain aspects of me clearly cannot be entertained in a relationship, no matter how endulgent your partner is. And for that I am grateful. I hope I learned quickly enough.

I found it surprising that the road leading to the wedding was so difficult, yet the end of the engagement was surprisingly easy. Perhaps when something was not meant to be, it would just....not BE. Current relationship status is somewhat confusing. No longer engaged, but still dating. My family seems to think we will eventually get married in the future, but I dont know anymore. I am still in this relationship even with only a slim chance of marriage simply because I still find it to be a meaningful relationship. It's just, I'm starting to view it like my job in Kino; Im staying for as long as there is still something for me to learn. But about who? Me or him? Lately I think its about me. Because learning about yourself is the only useful endeavour in this situation I guess.

I thought about breaking up a lot. Whenever there's a disagreement I always wondered if I should just leave it at that and call it quits. But then he always somehow surprises me. I was once again intrigued. Curious. And I know I would never stop caring. But the love has changed. It is no longer that desperate romantic love like before. Not it's more like a love based on care.

And yes, some people think that I'm just wasting my time. But I have never been one to look for love and a life companion. Now Im just used to it, so losing it will be hard, even though I know there is almost no possibility of a future together. They say a heart doesnt stay the same after its been hurt too often. It is true. There are many reasons to leave. Good, legitimate reasons and bad reasons to stay. Yet I am still here, not because I am hoping for that future of forever. Simply because I care. I love. And for the moment I am not planning to head for that future. I think it will take for him to return home for good before I can let him go.

I wanted that future with him. Not with whoever will suit me. I just wanted him. Now that it doesnt seem possible, I dont yearn for that future anymore. It just doesnt feel all that great...anymore.

purr purr