I Am Not Pathetic, Really

I just saw my duty roster for the month of December...and it will be HEEELLLLLL!!!!



Well, it won't be if you're used to working five days straight a week. I'm still on a college student schedule you see...



Basically I work five days straight then I get 2 days off. But this isn't some damn office job. I'll be mentally unstable by the time I get to the fifth day, just you wait and see!



Anyway. I wanna talk about last night. Again, I worked a double shift. It originally was a 'special request', but it really was an executive order in disguise. I could have refused, saying I had plans, but I didn't. Mainly because I'm greedy. But really, I'm not complaining, because there are other people who got more crap than me, but I have never seen other part-timers in other units (or even ours) pulling that kind of extended shift like me! Yet knowing I have the extra time to do wrapping, I rushed through like a madwoman on steroids and still I got told I didn't do good enough!

RAWR!!

My spirits that were soaring high up in the sky plummeted down to the ground then crashed and burned into a million pieces - all in a matter of a fracture of a second! After being told that, the smile froze on my face and I cried inside. Have you ever cried inside before? Let me tell you it's not easy! Certainly wasn't pleasant either! You felt useless, pathetic and hollow inside yet you still have to pretend like you've done an amazing feat and still trying to brush it off as nothing big.

It was so hard.

So hard when your worth is measured in trolleys.

So hard that I had to take my time to reflect afterwards. Instead of taking the taxi, I waited for the bus simply because I needed that waiting time to reflect on what just happened and come to terms with it. To convince myself that despite it all, yes, despite it all, it only serves to confirm what an awesome person I am.

I have stamped my foot down before, and I will do it again. I want to be here. I'm here on a mission, and nothing on this Earth can stop me from completing my unholy mission! Ever.

Jiggly puff can try and jiggle her fat all over me for all I care, but you're the one without a life outside of Kino, while I will have a much better life once I leave Kino.

And besides, it's stupid to let idiots like her to stop you from achieving your dream. Can you imagine one day when your grandchildren ask you why didn't you do what you want to do and your answer is "because an idiot colleague stood in my way and I got tired of it"?

How pathetic is that?

I hate feeling pathetic. I hate feeling it, even just for a moment. Thus I shall not resign the rest of my life to feeling pathetic. Shall I fail in that endeavor and still feel pathetic, I'll make other people feel pathetic with me.

Let's hope it never gets to that.

Ta'ra!