Nek Hah

Time flies by so fast. Soon it'll be her one-year anniversary, and once again, I am going to miss it due to exams. But that's okay, regardless of where I am, my prayers will always reach her.

They say the only way of knowing if the deceased really entered your dream is by how they do not talk to you. I only dreamt of her once in such a manner, which was two nights after the day she was buried. I don't care what people thinks. I really believed it was her, because she let me kissed her hand and hugged her, which was exactly what I wanted to do as my final respect for her. I immediately woke up crying.

Even now, I still cried each time I think of her. She was so fiercely independent and strong that I never thought of how much time she still had with us until six months before her passing. Luckily I was quick enough to think of getting a video recording of her, somehow knowing deep inside me that it might be the last recording of her alive.

My grandma had been through a lot in her life. Born in the 1920s, she was a first generation Chinese born on Sarawakian soil, after her father migrated here from southern China. Her father was a travelling businessman and was tight friends with my grandma's foster father. She was given to a prominent Malay family presumably to 'tighten their family bonds' and became the first of many children to be adopted into the family later.

Her teenage years were during the Japanese occupation, during which time, given the Japanese soldiers' tendency to claim unwed maidens, my grandma had once been rolled into a mattress to avoid capture. To avoid further complications, she was married at sixteen. She bore nine children, two died at infancy. My dad is the fifth of the remaining seven.

My grandma's real mother apparently passed away when she was very young, and her father got married and had two more children. My grandma's stepsister passed away just one week before she did, and her brother currently resides in Canada. We have no contact with them, except with one of her nephews who attended her funeral. It was a big surprise, but there was no denying the family resemblance.

My grandfather traveled a lot for work during his life, so my grandma was very well-traveled, and loving it. Just let her loose at Jalan TAR and you wouldn't even catch a shadow of her until 7 at night. By which time she would complain of leg aches, only to disappear again, once it was bright enough out. She knows the roads of Singapore and KL better then than I do now.

I really do not like to feel sad each time I think of her, because really, there is nothing sad about the memory of her life. Instead, I try to think of what she would do. I once followed the U69 bus all the way till the end because I was curious. I found out that my grandma did the same thing with the trains in KL. So as you can see, some behaviors are hereditary. Furthermore, when she was driving around in KL, she always kept the gas tank full so she could go around and get lost without worrying. I do that too, but I don't get lost on purpose.

There is really so much I want to do with her, to tell her, and decisions which I really want her opinion on. I was looking forward to introducing my prospective husband to her, and if she disapproves, I was willing to dump him on the spot. I want to ask her what's the best thing to do after I graduate. Should I stay and work in KL or in Kuching? I can imagine what her answer would be, but I really do want to work in Kuching even though the wages are lower. My reason is simple; Sarawakians should stay in Sarawak. After all, your voting rights are there. Why live in a city where you can't vote? Also, I want to be all proud and paranoid like only Sarawakians can be! I don't want to miss anymore family events. I don't want to be branded as 'orang KL' by the family friends. And I think that it's cliche to stay and work in KL after you finish your studies. Seriously.

My grandma once said that if she had the chance, she would go back and get a degree if she could. Each time I see her she would always tell me the same thing: Study hard. Once you have a degree, the sky's the limit. She doesn't want us to become idle housewives, no matter how rich our husbands will be. You have a degree, you can work. You are able to support yourself. Don't be dependent on your husband or anyone else. She had demonstrated independence her whole life. She wanted to instill it in her children and grandchildren. And of course, message well received.

When I was younger, I had a darker complexion. But as I grow older my skin lightened and had on a few occasions, been mistaken for a Chinese (I don't know how that could happen). I credit my Chinese-like features to her. When I realized that I was proud for about a second. Because you know, in Kuching at least half of my friends had Chinese grandmothers (the Chinese liked giving away daughters during that generation apparently), so there was nothing special about me. I mean, look at my aunts and uncles. Out of my dad's six siblings, only two do not have a Chinese-adopted-into-Malay family mother-in-law. Meaning more than half of my cousins are half-Chinese, even though it meant both their parents are halves.

I seriously thought this was a common thing in Malaysia.

That is, until I talked to my lecturer about it.

He thought I was half-Chinese, but I had to explain to him I am only 1/4. My maternal grandfather was an Arab, but a dark-skinned one. Then I went on to say it's nothing special since everyone has a Chinese grandmother. He said why is that? I told him about the old Chinese custom of giving away daughters in favor of sons, and he was shocked. He said it was 'terrible'. How could it be terrible? Well of course, it's not a good thing to just give away your daughter like that, but you know. It's not exactly terrible. If they hadn't, I wouldn't be born. I finally came to the conclusion that such a thing as having Chinese grandmothers was only a common thing in Sarawak. After that, I decided to shut my mouth about the subject. I don't want them to think the Chinese in Sarawak still give daughters away in favor of sons.

But just so we are clear on the subject, there is a high demand for Chinese babies for adoption. Just so you know, all you naughty teenagers out there.

When my grandma found out she was adopted, (it wasn't ourightly apparent, since there were a few other Chinese girls adopted into the family) she was very cool about it. She didn't even bother with her real family because her current family was bigger, and more fun. I really think she was way too cool about it. I am curious to know about our Chinese relatives. I don't want to accidentally marry my own cousin.

My grandma was an independent and forward-thinking person. You rarely find an old person who's mindset was so up with the times as her. When I grow old, I want to be exactly like her.

Ta'ra.